Introducing: The Orphan Index

Cover of "Orphan"

Cover of Orphan

As every good gamer (and presumably every comic book and fantasy novel enthusiast too) knows, no one who is actually aware of the identities of their parents will ever become a mighty hero.

And the less knowledge you have about your parents, the more potent a hero you become. Just like in real life!

Thus, I am establishing the Orphan Index. Clearly, the more orphans extant in a game, the more worthy of undying adulation that game becomes. Here are a few examples.

Final Fantasy VI: Terra, Relm, Gau. Hmm. I thought there’d be more… To hell with it, I’m throwing in Celes and Kefka. Magitek test tube monstrosities have no parents! Orphan Index: 5.

Chrono Trigger: None. What??? This makes no sense, but you can’t argue with facts – FFVI is the superior game. Orphan Index: 0.

Final Fantasy IV: Cecil – MOON orphan. Rydia – you orphanize her. We should award superfluous rating (I choose a pi multiplier) to games with special categories of orphans. Thus, FFIV rockets up the leader board! Orphan Index: 2*3.14 = 6.28!

We could go on forever. However, as this is merely an introduction, I’ll leave it with two of the greatest games ever conceived and Chrono Trigger. Yeah, we all thought Chrono Trigger was a great game, but the Orphan Index does not lie.

Coming soon: Sub-categories for half-orphans, those rather underwhelming heroes who actually know one of their parents (suckers), and also for folks who lose their parents to tragedy while still at a tender age. Also, a bonus rating system for the degree of separation of the orphan from the primary protagonist.

Note: No rating system will ever equal the Start to Crate Review System. We can only hope to better understand video game design by creating new, less perfect metrics to measure greatness.

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