MMO’s Will Never Love You

Playfield of High Speed pinball machine

Image via Wikipedia

MMO’s remind me of my abusive dog Charlie. Don’t worry – I’m out of that relationship. One day Charlie finally went too far and actually bit me, and as a result several years after that he died of old age.

One thing Charlie would always say to me was, “Einskaldjir, joo know zat you are nuthzing more zan a pair of handtz vith oppozable thumbz vith vich to dispense mein food and vater and clean up mein poo.”

Did I mention Charlie was German?

MMO’s are exactly the same, except, perhaps, for the poop.

How so? I’m glad you asked!

You see, you can’t ever beat an MMO. Oh, sure, you can clear all the content, but once you do, well, then it’s time to put said content on farm. And then you farm until every member in your guild either a) acquires all the drops they want or b) puts a fist through their monitor in frustration/boredom.

It’s like feeding quarters into a pinball machine while aiming for that high score, except you’ve already prepaid your $14.99 for the month. Better get your money’s worth! (This is in addition to being like abusive dogs, clearly.)

And do you know what happens when you actually do manage to gear up your entire guild without a Jim Jones style Flavor-Aid party? New content! Ok, in reality, new content doesn’t actually get released until even the lowliest of guilds could have outfitted up to six alts per member in top of the line gear, but you know it will be released.

Which isn’t to say this is all bad. I love new content. On the other hand, some people enjoy being spanked. The point is that in addition to being like an abusive dog and a pinball machine, MMO’s are also like a treadmill powered by a perpetual energy battery: you keep walking and walking, but you won’t really get anywhere. But hey, exercise is satisfying, and so is grinding gear, right?

But in the end, you’re just going to get bitten, and then have to wait for your abusive dog to die.

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